I assume a lot of you feel me when I say my anxiety has been steadily (exponentially?) increasing these past two months in a way that makes my March anxiety look like a walk in the park. It has gotten to the point where my doctor and I decided I should go on medication for a little while, so that’s what I did this week. I am honestly kind of surprised it took 31 years for me to get to this point. 2020 will do that to ya, though.
I’m hoping I only have to be on it through the election, but I guess that ultimately depends on how the election goes. Either way, I already feel significantly better since going on it which is a welcome relief. My only complaint is that it might be giving me insomnia. It’s as if all my anxiety is suppressed during the day and when I lie down to drift into oblivion — BAM — it all comes rushing in and I have a mild panic attack. Then it’s goodbye sleep! Know you never!
The timing of this really couldn’t be worse because I am also currently on a sort of social media hiatus so insomnia just consists of me staring at the ceiling while my thumbs ache for something to scroll (I say sort of cause I’ve logged onto Instagram and Twitter once or twice to share content (I am who I am), but otherwise I haven’t been scrolling or checking any stories since news broke of RBG’s passing). I think stepping away from Instagram and Twitter might be doing more for my mental health than even the medication, tbh. 10/10 would recommend.
I bring all of this up because 1: I think it is important to normalize medication for mental health and 2. I am writing this at an ungodly hour because sleep is an impossible dream. It also does not help that a couple of hours ago I heard a couple of big booms so I foolishly googled “San Francisco news” to re-assure my anxious brain that it wasn’t anything to worry about and was accosted with multiple headlines about home break-ins nearly doubling in the city since March. So, since I am officially never sleeping again I figured I might as well blog! If I can call a list of things I consumed over the past week blogging. Which I can. Because this is my blog.
13 Things I Consumed This Week
- I have been resisting the pull of BTS for years but their Tiny Desk Concert (or Tiny Dance Concert as I thought I heard one of the guys refer to it) has made my resistance entirely futile. One of the singers gave me full body chills so many times I had to take a screen shot and ask my friend (who is full ARMY) who it was (Jin, of course).
- This piece on the whiteness of true crime and how it is shifting was great
The comfort narratives of true crime can’t hold when we’re shown, again and again, how the criminal justice system doesn’t work for untold millions of Black Americans. The cathartic release of a trial leading to conviction falls away with the understanding that mandatory minimum sentencing, underfunded public defenders, discriminatory jury selection, and prison abuses work together to destroy lives. Even wrongful conviction narratives, outrageous as they are, serve as comfort food for white audiences, who pay more attention to newfound freedom than they do the decades of despair over indifferent cruelty, and the lack of resources upon venturing out into the outside world.
- Back in April I stumbled into the world of booktube and have yet to look back. I was so enamored I even started making my own book videos (comment, like, subscribe, etc). One booktuber who remains a constant bright spot in my life every single week is Noelle Gallagher. Not only will I blindly follow every book recommendation she makes, I find her videos to be incredibly calming. I could listen to her read nutritional facts off of cereal boxes and still have a great time.
- Three songs I’ve had on repeat most of the week: Sometimes – Rich Bryan, Cocaine Jesus – Rainbow Kitten Surprise, and Mood – 24kGoldn & iann dior
- I have long believed that the best two videos on all of YouTube are: 1. Jurassic Park Melodica and 2. Tom Holland’s Lip Sync Battle. This week I accidentally stumbled on a reaction video to Tom Holland’s performance and, reader, it SENT ME. I don’t know that I have ever cackled before but I definitely cackled watching his reaction. And then I watched it 4 more times. His reaction is all of us the first time we watch this performance. The Tom Holland part starts at 3:29:
- I found myself listening to the entirety of The Eminem Show on Wednesday which felt noteworthy yet inexplicable?
- When I am not on hiatus, I spend an inordinate amount of my time on BoJack Horseman meme accounts thanks to the stupid Instagram algorithm. Been thinking a lot about this one this week:
- I really enjoyed this episode of Haley Nahman’s podcast which further explores her critique of Emrata’s viral essay. Heads up, I think it might only be available to paying subscribers but she is well worth the subscribe!
- I watched The Social Dilemma and even though it was more of a 3-star watch (the scripted parts kept taking me out of it) it still gave me a lot to think about regarding my role in surveillance capitalism as a person who works in tech/data. Tyler Oakley has a great summary if you don’t have time for the whole doc.
- Joji’s new album Nectar is *chef’s kiss* and will certainly be on heavy rotation for the rest of the year
- This piece on what it means to be Black in the outdoors is worth your time
- I’ve been shitting on gallery walls for years, so trust me when I say I am just as confused as you that I’ve been lusting after Desenio’s pre-made gallery walls for my living room
- I was in the mood for some ~spicy~ romance reads lately and decided to try dark romance since I’ve seen chatter about it on booktube. I read three books by Penelope Douglas since she seemed to be a solid staple of the sub-genre and y’all it was a RIDE. The first book I read was so laughably bad that it kind of came full circle into good again? I mean, good in a way that I was fully entertained but mostly not in the ways the author had intended. The second book I read was fine. And then the third book was so smutty it was basically pornographic in extremely problematic ways. Overall, I would say the experiment was not a success, but at least now I know!
One final thought, I know I have mentioned several times I have spent most of quarantine on YouTube. At first I thought it was the thing saving my sanity during this hellscape of a year, but now I think it might be doing the opposite. This realization made me think of this scene from The Incredibles which made me laugh at myself: